Tuesday, 5 November 2013

The DUW index

At the free and independent Fish Press, we are always trying to promote science in any way possible. We don't care too much about the scientific process, mostly because we don't understand it and because we are lazy. In other words, if we hear about a new scientific principle, we will publish it. Let someone else worry about peer review and that kind of thing. If it feels right, it probably /is/ right.

This is the collaborative work of Dr. Breen and Dr. Innini:

Dear Dr. Breen

The concept of DUW, Aka Days Until Weekend has been looming in my mind since, well, since last weekend. At the time of writing, the DUW-distance is 2.

The weird thing about the DUW-index is that it is not linear nor logarithmic. For example, DUW-4 is sometimes twice DUW-2, but not if you have a good time. Meetings makes the DUW-index to behave exponentially. Until someone says something funny about a cow-orker that is not present in the meeting.. Then we are back to linear..

I tried to write Stephen Hawkins and ask him to help developing the DUW math, mostly because we suck at math and because it would look really cool to have his name on the front page. He told me to fuck off, and I guess its easy to act tough when you know that no one will hit someone with glasses and a wheelchair.

Yours truly,
Dr. Innini

Dear Dr. Innini

Thank you for that lovely letter. The concept is not new to me, obviously, and I have been doing some rudimentary work already. I encountered several interesting facts when looking at the mechanics behind the DUW index. We would add the factor of LEP, linear enhancement phases.
A linear enhancement phase is where the normal linear time changes dramatically due to HGT (Having a Good Time) variables acting directly on the time and effort train. In these instances, metrics become all but useless, and observed time intervals appear to be compressed.

I too asked Stephen Hawkins to assist in explaining these particular phases, and he again told me to fuck off. We debated for a while, and since then he has been even more connected to his wheelchair.

Dr. Breen


Hi hottie,

When struggling with the math, I realised that this must be where the american measurement system comes from. When things become too hard, just call it ounces, gallons, feet and so on. Nobody understands a thing, and everyone can go back to eating at McDonalds.

Now, while writing the past paragraph, the HGT just increased, and DUW was down to 1 for a moment. I just looked at the watch and the amount of work I need to do today, so it popped right up to 4.

The really weird thing is that DUW is not mod 7. You cannot have negative DUW of course, come friday, it stays at 0 for the entire weekend. However, during particularly boring weeks, it can go much higher than the theoretical limit of 5. DUWs of 38 has been known, particularly for people who do consultary work or if you at all have to deal with cow-orkers and other people who seem to have no other purpose that you make your day miserable. Why this is so, nobody knows. Probably something to do with entangled quarks, or contemporary art. We just dont know.

Btw, a futa girl cammed me in SL for over an hour last night. Thankfully, she didnt have the balls (!) to ask me if I wanted to see her penis.

kisses <3
Dr Innini


Lets get this paper done. I have some unspeakable things I would like to do to you in the shed.

I do believe that this can concur with the entaglement hypothosis. And in the absolute absense of any HGT factors, we suggest there could be cause to suspect the existance of SIL  (Seemingly Infinite Loop) phenomena, that may explain the presense of the volitile reactions we term as FFS and IWIWD (I wish I was dead), in very extreme cases IWYWD (I wish /you/ were dead).

Well would you look at that, a prime example of HGT induced LEP just occoured while I was writing the above and reading the below. I may write a paper on this. (Note, this /is/ the paper)

I went to the Tate modern once, and found myself more interested in the building than what was in it. Ive just been asked for same data...based on what its going to be used for, I think it's best I make it up.

/me fabricates imaginary metrics.....

There. Done. The shed, now!

Dr Breen

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